Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize