i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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