He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
