I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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