Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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