Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
