please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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