The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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