Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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