so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
