your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
