You're completely useless in the revolution.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
