Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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