Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize