There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
