remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
