actually, I'm a sock model
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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