Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
