What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
