If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
