I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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