i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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