You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
