im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
