There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
