Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
