I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
