Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
