I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
