I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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