Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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