Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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