I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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