The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
