So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Every dick Iβve had or wanted in the last year is married. Itβs like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize