I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
