I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
