Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
