She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
