how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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