plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
