i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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