The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Randomize
