so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
