I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
