I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
