i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
