it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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