Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
