Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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