And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
