His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
