Soap is not a condiment
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
