wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
