remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
