I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
