I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize