Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
