god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize